I fell in love with a movie

I fell in love with a movie called Call Me By Your Name,
Which taught me a lot about
Love, Life, and Pain.

I stumbled on this movie, in the summer of 2018.
I was a year late to this party, because the world knew and loved it since 2017.
At the time I had no idea, what I was signing up for.
Because for me it was just another item to add to my torpor.

You see, I had reached, my rock-bottom at the time.
I had no sense of direction or purpose left in my life.
I was spending my days, completely lost behind movies and series,
No matter what I watched, I remained with no thoughts and feelings.

But Call Me By Your Name moved me.
I didn’t quite understand it in one go, and still it broke me.
It managed to dig through my numbness and reminded me what feelings feel like.
Although they were painful feelings, they still made me feel alive…

For the very first time… in a really long time.

It was based on a book, this I got to know later.
But I was broke at the time and couldn’t possibly buy even a paper.
So, I asked one of my cousins to buy it for me.
And after a long and tedious process, the book came home to me.
I devoured it in a day and a half
And since then, I didn’t look back.

This story reminded me that love never left me.
That pain doesn’t need to be wrapped in guilt.
That life doesn’t become meaningless if one meaningful experience is over,
But that sometimes you find meaning in a way no other.

It taught me how to accept and process my pain.
To not shove it down, hoping it would wane.
To not allow my heart to shut itself from life,
Because all we get, is one and only life.

So, I follow this advice, and wear my heart on my sleeves,
And I love and I laugh and I feel and I feel!!!
I don’t go through life either in a haze or haste,
For as the Professor said,
“…to make yourself feel nothing, so as not to feel anything… What a waste!”

Unfinished Love

I know I love you

I know you love me too.

I know I’ll never forget us

Because nothing ever felt this true.

But there is no way we can end up together

There’s just too much distance.

Our souls have different paths

We were supposed to meet just for this instance.

I know we grew together

And I know we’ve grown apart.

But I assure you that you’ll always have,

A piece of my heart.

So, I am letting you go forever

And I wish you find your peace.

And I will start learning again

Without you, how to be.

Grief

I am a home for my grief,
And my grief loves me.

It expands through my veins
And reaches each nook and cranny
Of my body and soul.
Hollowing me out completely, and yet
Filling me up in a way, happiness never can.

They say, oh but don’t lose heart,
You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.
Little do they know, I am fine.
This! Is my fine! This is how I am, when I am fine.

You have no idea how comforting it is
To have grief reside in me, perpetually. 
It’s like that last long hug from a lover you know you cannot be with,
And it’s time you part your ways.
So, you say goodbye, with tears in your eyes, and you hold them…
For a really long time, in that warm heartbreaking embrace,
Trying to capture every ounce of the love you have for them.
Only difference is, my grief doesn’t let go.

And so, we stay frozen in that embrace
Even though life keeps moving continuously,
All around us.

Thus, I am never alone.
Because my grief really loves me,
And I am its home.