Wind Beneath The Wings

The future of a society depends upon its children. A significant amount of care and nourishment is required to help them grow into adults, who can then contribute to society’s well-being. That is why we invest so much into their education, form laws to protect them, and have separate scientific fields dedicated to their health and health conditions. But is that enough? Are we so caught up in providing them with what we think they need that we forget to give them what they really need?

Children’s upbringing leaves a long-lasting impression on their psyche. It impacts their personality, and in some cases, mental illnesses too. A Lack of support and understanding from the family can throw a child over the deep end. Children, especially adolescents, are often misunderstood or are hardly understood. Many times, the adults in their life are wound up in their own messes because nobody treated them any better, so they do not know better. And this becomes a toxic cycle, which is incredibly hard to break.

Not answering their questions, avoiding talking about taboo topics such as sex or addiction, berating or insulting them in front of a crowd, getting enraged at their mistakes instead of communicating about how and why their action was wrong, not letting them speak their minds, trying to control them, invalidating their struggles, and asking them to refrain from expressing discomfort and just get over it—it all inevitably takes a heavy toll and creates a dysfunctional adult. That is how they end up in toxic relationships—be it platonic or romantic. That is why we have so many half-dead youngsters, who strive to live weekend to weekend partying endlessly, with no sparkle in their eyes and hollow smiles. We taunt them because they are always in the virtual world but fail to ask why they feel the need to escape from their realities.

It is the dark truth of today. But all is not lost. We need a shift in our perspective; to see children as individuals who own minds, thoughts, and consciousness. Right and timely support from one’s family can make all the difference in the world. So, be the change. Even if your children are adults now, reconcile before it is too late. And as for new parents, remember to answer your kids’ questions, encourage their creativity, accept their flaws and differences, and guide them in their journey of knowing their true self instead of asking them to embody your or society’s beliefs. Help them grow into truly healthy and happy adults and be the wind beneath their wings.

I fell in love with a movie

I fell in love with a movie called Call Me By Your Name,
Which taught me a lot about
Love, Life, and Pain.

I stumbled on this movie, in the summer of 2018.
I was a year late to this party, because the world knew and loved it since 2017.
At the time I had no idea, what I was signing up for.
Because for me it was just another item to add to my torpor.

You see, I had reached, my rock-bottom at the time.
I had no sense of direction or purpose left in my life.
I was spending my days, completely lost behind movies and series,
No matter what I watched, I remained with no thoughts and feelings.

But Call Me By Your Name moved me.
I didn’t quite understand it in one go, and still it broke me.
It managed to dig through my numbness and reminded me what feelings feel like.
Although they were painful feelings, they still made me feel alive…

For the very first time… in a really long time.

It was based on a book, this I got to know later.
But I was broke at the time and couldn’t possibly buy even a paper.
So, I asked one of my cousins to buy it for me.
And after a long and tedious process, the book came home to me.
I devoured it in a day and a half
And since then, I didn’t look back.

This story reminded me that love never left me.
That pain doesn’t need to be wrapped in guilt.
That life doesn’t become meaningless if one meaningful experience is over,
But that sometimes you find meaning in a way no other.

It taught me how to accept and process my pain.
To not shove it down, hoping it would wane.
To not allow my heart to shut itself from life,
Because all we get, is one and only life.

So, I follow this advice, and wear my heart on my sleeves,
And I love and I laugh and I feel and I feel!!!
I don’t go through life either in a haze or haste,
For as the Professor said,
“…to make yourself feel nothing, so as not to feel anything… What a waste!”








How Do You Bridge the Gap

How do you bridge the gap

When you can’t even see where they went?

Which turn did they take?

Which decisions did they make?

How do you bridge the gap

When you were taken by surprise, in the most brutal way?

When they just up and left,

And left you bereft?

How do you even think

Of moving an inch?

When your life lays shattered

In your house that’s now battered?

And deep down you know

This isn’t the worst yet.

Cz you haven’t even started

The real work yet.

When you will look in the mirror,

Several days from now

When you will forget your keys inside

And get locked out

When you’ll be bringing your coffee to your desk

But you’ll accidentally trip over the carpet and make a mess

The real work will start then.

To hold yourself from becoming completely undone.

To not let yourself fall to pieces due to the slightest inconvenience. 

To hold back your rage, when all you’d want to do is burn the whole world to the ground.

To try and hide the fury in your eyes behind a minor frown.

This would take real strength

And so now you wonder,

How do you bridge the gap

Between your emptiness and fake strength?

How do you bridge this gap

Between almost alive and almost dead?

Happy Women’s Day

It’s not a war. Femininity doesn’t have to be meshed within masculinity. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. There has to be space for both the feminine and masculine energies for the universe to exist, for Humans to exist. Let’s recognize that and stop fighting and start nurturing each other for what and who we are.

Bald, Bold & Beautiful

So, I decided to go bald. Not buzz cut or crew cut or whatever… I went bald. Shaved all my hair off. Well, got it done from someone. She was more nervous about it than I was. And no! I wasn’t unwell or depressed (though, I have had my fair share of struggles with crippling anxiety). I just wanted to do it! So, I did it. And boy what an adventure it has been!

 

I had been toying with this idea for years. I didn’t really have great hair, growing up. It was weightless, dry, grey, and just overall a mess. But howsoever it was, my hair was still an integral part of my personality. I have always experimented with it, starting with asymmetrical bob, then highlights, global hair colour, fashion colours, straightening, etc. (I see why my hair may have gotten to this point). 🙄 

But, I like it. It has been a great way of self-expression. But going bald was something that I never imagined I could actually go through.  I mean, who does that? Right??? But thanks to Covid, boredom, and loads of free time, I managed to do it.

Cut to the moment it was happening. The sound of scissors chopping through my locks, the chunks of hair falling on the floor, the buzz of trimmer ringing in my ears… everything was so surreal. I felt like I was immune to it, that it wasn’t happening to me. I was just a spectator. And then, it was done!

I remember feeling the breeze on my scalp and at the bottom of the head. It was something I never felt before. And then this feeling of my head being wrapped in a coarse cloth was there. But most of all, this intense feeling of freedom and power had swept all over me. I was exhilarated, invincible, so fearless…like I could do anything, be anything and no one can mess with me.  It was great and yet weird… super weird!

I kept going in front of the mirror and would still get surprised each time. I was unrecognizable to myself. And then, it all faded. The self-doubt crept in. My family and closed ones kept complimenting and encouraging me and it did help, but at the same time, my confidence was chipping away gradually. I was avoiding looking at myself during video calls (something that I used to do a lot #selfobsessed), avoiding the mirror, and just the whole drill!

Then, I had a really bad day. I guess, this is the part where I should tell you that I have had self-destructive habits like hitting myself, punching the wall, and some good old cursing. But don’t worry, I am fine now, I took help. I can manage my pain and anger in a more productive and healthy way except some days. Well, this was the exception day. So, I am home alone, crying my eyes out and I saw myself in the mirror… and God! Did I hate what I saw. I snapped. I hit myself, several times. I was so angry at myself for doing this. How could I be so stupid to pull something like this off??? I felt deeply ashamed. All the confidence that I felt, had vanished somewhere along the way. I was in hell.

The next day I was still reeling from the aftereffects of the events from the previous night with no energy left for anything. But somewhere close to midnight, I decided to just pull myself out of the mess of self pity. I got tired of feeling the way I was feeling, and I just couldn’t bear anymore to treat myself the way I did. So, I picked up my pieces, caressed them, and put them back really-really gently. I decided to embrace myself as I was. I got dressed, put some make up on, did a photoshoot and decided to unveil my new look to the world after a week of making one of the hardest, boldest, and most spontaneous decisions of my life.

And it was so worth it. The love, support, admiration, and kindness I received from everybody was just overwhelming. And I, once again, overcame my fears. Instead of being embarrassed, or regretting my decision, I embraced it fully, and in doing so, I learnt a bit more self-acceptance and self-love. I learnt to navigate the roller-coaster of emotions that came with the decisions I made, and I am a better, more balanced, and stronger person for it.

 

Currently, I am sporting a mane full of blue and purple hair, in somewhat a boy-cut. And before that, I fully embraced my grey hair with a salt-and-pepper look. And each of these decisions were scary and challenging. I had to deal with people’s questions, their mocking looks, the whispering behind my back and even them forming notions about my character—all because of my hair choices. But this is exactly how I always want to be…following my heart, making decisions that make me happy, not paying attention to those who just like to rain on someone’s parade, and just living my life on my terms. Because nothing says Courageous than a woman who isn’t afraid to be herself, all day, everyday. And I think that’s what makes someone beautiful in the real sense of the word.

Unfinished Love

I know I love you

I know you love me too.

I know I’ll never forget us

Because nothing ever felt this true.

But there is no way we can end up together

There’s just too much distance.

Our souls have different paths

We were supposed to meet just for this instance.

I know we grew together

And I know we’ve grown apart.

But I assure you that you’ll always have,

A piece of my heart.

So, I am letting you go forever

And I wish you find your peace.

And I will start learning again

Without you, how to be.

Grief

I am a home for my grief,
And my grief loves me.

It expands through my veins
And reaches each nook and cranny
Of my body and soul.
Hollowing me out completely, and yet
Filling me up in a way, happiness never can.

They say, oh but don’t lose heart,
You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.
Little do they know, I am fine.
This! Is my fine! This is how I am, when I am fine.

You have no idea how comforting it is
To have grief reside in me, perpetually. 
It’s like that last long hug from a lover you know you cannot be with,
And it’s time you part your ways.
So, you say goodbye, with tears in your eyes, and you hold them…
For a really long time, in that warm heartbreaking embrace,
Trying to capture every ounce of the love you have for them.
Only difference is, my grief doesn’t let go.

And so, we stay frozen in that embrace
Even though life keeps moving continuously,
All around us.

Thus, I am never alone.
Because my grief really loves me,
And I am its home.

Flash Fiction

“I love my life! I love my job, I love my house, I love my car. Everything! They, are jealous of me. Yesterday, they bashed my car! Can you believe it? It’s craaazzyy! And I know… I know they’ll be coming today as well. Let’em come… Let’em come. I am ready! I am SO. FUCKING. READY.”

Little did James know that straight down the corridor the electrocution chamber was being prepared for him… Again!

School

“School”
Often related with memories beautiful,
Fun, laughter & endless stories,
But it reminds me of mishappenings purely!

It was the first time I was called a whore!
My mistake?
May be I was prettier than most. (Not sure though)

It was the first time I was cornered on a deserted street.
My mistake?
I didn’t let him play Holi with me!

It was the first time my guy friends were threatened!
My mistake?
Just that I was their friend!

It was the first time my teacher molested me and my friend.
Our mistake?
We trusted and respected him!

It was the first time I was called names randomly.
My mistake?
That I used to perform and dance beautifully!

It was the first time my father received a dirty text,
Mentioning that multiple times I’ve had sex!
Though my father didn’t question me once,
I realised my mistake,
That i was a girl!

It was the first time I felt terror so palpable,
That going out alone, even to the shop next door was unimaginable!

You’d think, why didn’t I report?
Well there wasn’t one but many, and most of them unknown!

And that’s not even the part worst,
It’s that seven years later
I still curse,
The moment that I’ve to come home
Because of the memories etched in my soul!

Whether it’s for days, weeks or months that I stay,
I still don’t step out of my house, no matter what anybody says!
I could feel the fury raging inside of me
Because they destroyed,
Destroyed what was supposed to be my favourite place!

Seven years,
And I still quiver,
Seven years,
And still the streaming tears,
Seven years,
That crept between me and my parents,
Seven years,
And my hometown feels the place most alien!

They say school is the place to learn and grow.
For me it’s the place of haunting memories & sorrows!

It’s a bittersweet experience for everybody else,
For me it was as bitter, as it could get!

Drained emotionally,
Exhausted physically ,
With terror incorporated in each cell,
I… Finished my school!

Ma

I will never look like my Ma anyday.

I thought this one day,

Standing in front of the mirror

And watching the light in my eyes

Fading away.

When I visit home she says,

You don’t look like my daughter for at least two days,

You forget how you used to behave.

And I feel, I’ll never be like my Ma anyday.

So, on the night of the second day

I lay in bed wide awake.

Staring into the darkness spread everywhere

Reflecting on what lies underneath this bitch face.

The deafening silence

The silent screams

The sinking of heart

And the tears flowing down in streams.

All this, when next to me

She lies asleep unfazed.

I know in that moment

I’ll never be like my Ma anyday.

Curled up like an embryo

I want to start again.

I will not screw up this time, I promise, I swear!

But this can’t happen and I’m very well aware.

And I know, I will not look like my Ma anyday.

With swollen eyes, red nose and a headache

I turn to the wall & towards sleep, I sway.

I open my eyes with her melodious voice ringing in my ears

And there she stands

Simple, beautiful and looking like the goddess that she is.

She comes to me and gives me a kiss,

And I swear to God, it heals.

That loving touch and caring gaze

Makes me wonder, Hey!

I might look like my Ma someday.

So that day when I bath,

I wash all my baggage away.

As each drop trickles down my body

It feels slightly lighter in weight

And I think again

Maybe, just maybe, I can look like my Ma someday.

She doesn’t know my plight, my fears and fights

But she can read it in my eyes

That something is definitely not right.

That’s the best thing about my Ma

She doesn’t pester but gives me my space

And that makes me feel I can be like her someday.

But she’s growing old with every passing day.

With the lines deepening on her hands and face

I see clearly now as I’ve lifted my veil

I’ve to be stronger

If I want to look like my Ma someday.

So I pick up my pieces, one by one, each day

Carefully holding and caressing I put them back in their place

And I plan to continue doing just that, Everyday

Because I want to, and I know I will

Look like my Ma, one fine day!

 

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