I fell in love with a movie called Call Me By Your Name, Which taught me a lot about Love, Life, and Pain.
I stumbled on this movie, in the summer of 2018. I was a year late to this party, because the world knew and loved it since 2017. At the time I had no idea, what I was signing up for. Because for me it was just another item to add to my torpor.
You see, I had reached, my rock-bottom at the time. I had no sense of direction or purpose left in my life. I was spending my days, completely lost behind movies and series, No matter what I watched, I remained with no thoughts and feelings.
But Call Me By Your Name moved me. I didn’t quite understand it in one go, and still it broke me. It managed to dig through my numbness and reminded me what feelings feel like. Although they were painful feelings, they still made me feel alive…
For the very first time… in a really long time.
It was based on a book, this I got to know later. But I was broke at the time and couldn’t possibly buy even a paper. So, I asked one of my cousins to buy it for me. And after a long and tedious process, the book came home to me. I devoured it in a day and a half And since then, I didn’t look back.
This story reminded me that love never left me. That pain doesn’t need to be wrapped in guilt. That life doesn’t become meaningless if one meaningful experience is over, But that sometimes you find meaning in a way no other.
It taught me how to accept and process my pain. To not shove it down, hoping it would wane. To not allow my heart to shut itself from life, Because all we get, is one and only life.
So, I follow this advice, and wear my heart on my sleeves, And I love and I laugh and I feel and I feel!!! I don’t go through life either in a haze or haste, For as the Professor said, “…to make yourself feel nothing, so as not to feel anything… What a waste!”
It’s not a war. Femininity doesn’t have to be meshed within masculinity. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. There has to be space for both the feminine and masculine energies for the universe to exist, for Humans to exist. Let’s recognize that and stop fighting and start nurturing each other for what and who we are.
So, I decided to go bald. Not buzz cut or crew cut or whatever… I went bald. Shaved all my hair off. Well, got it done from someone. She was more nervous about it than I was. And no! I wasn’t unwell or depressed (though, I have had my fair share of struggles with crippling anxiety). I just wanted to do it! So, I did it. And boy what an adventure it has been!
I had been toying with this idea for years. I didn’t really have great hair, growing up. It was weightless, dry, grey, and just overall a mess. But howsoever it was, my hair was still an integral part of my personality. I have always experimented with it, starting with asymmetrical bob, then highlights, global hair colour, fashion colours, straightening, etc. (I see why my hair may have gotten to this point). 🙄
But, I like it. It has been a great way of self-expression. But going bald was something that I never imagined I could actually go through. I mean, who does that? Right??? But thanks to Covid, boredom, and loads of free time, I managed to do it.
Cut to the moment it was happening. The sound of scissors chopping through my locks, the chunks of hair falling on the floor, the buzz of trimmer ringing in my ears… everything was so surreal. I felt like I was immune to it, that it wasn’t happening to me. I was just a spectator. And then, it was done!
I remember feeling the breeze on my scalp and at the bottom of the head. It was something I never felt before. And then this feeling of my head being wrapped in a coarse cloth was there. But most of all, this intense feeling of freedom and power had swept all over me. I was exhilarated, invincible, so fearless…like I could do anything, be anything and no one can mess with me. It was great and yet weird… super weird!
I kept going in front of the mirror and would still get surprised each time. I was unrecognizable to myself. And then, it all faded. The self-doubt crept in. My family and closed ones kept complimenting and encouraging me and it did help, but at the same time, my confidence was chipping away gradually. I was avoiding looking at myself during video calls (something that I used to do a lot #selfobsessed), avoiding the mirror, and just the whole drill!
Then, I had a really bad day. I guess, this is the part where I should tell you that I have had self-destructive habits like hitting myself, punching the wall, and some good old cursing. But don’t worry, I am fine now, I took help. I can manage my pain and anger in a more productive and healthy way except some days. Well, this was the exception day. So, I am home alone, crying my eyes out and I saw myself in the mirror… and God! Did I hate what I saw. I snapped. I hit myself, several times. I was so angry at myself for doing this. How could I be so stupid to pull something like this off??? I felt deeply ashamed. All the confidence that I felt, had vanished somewhere along the way. I was in hell.
The next day I was still reeling from the aftereffects of the events from the previous night with no energy left for anything. But somewhere close to midnight, I decided to just pull myself out of the mess of self pity. I got tired of feeling the way I was feeling, and I just couldn’t bear anymore to treat myself the way I did. So, I picked up my pieces, caressed them, and put them back really-really gently. I decided to embrace myself as I was. I got dressed, put some make up on, did a photoshoot and decided to unveil my new look to the world after a week of making one of the hardest, boldest, and most spontaneous decisions of my life.
And it was so worth it. The love, support, admiration, and kindness I received from everybody was just overwhelming. And I, once again, overcame my fears. Instead of being embarrassed, or regretting my decision, I embraced it fully, and in doing so, I learnt a bit more self-acceptance and self-love. I learnt to navigate the roller-coaster of emotions that came with the decisions I made, and I am a better, more balanced, and stronger person for it.
Currently, I am sporting a mane full of blue and purple hair, in somewhat a boy-cut. And before that, I fully embraced my grey hair with a salt-and-pepper look. And each of these decisions were scary and challenging. I had to deal with people’s questions, their mocking looks, the whispering behind my back and even them forming notions about my character—all because of my hair choices. But this is exactly how I always want to be…following my heart, making decisions that make me happy, not paying attention to those who just like to rain on someone’s parade, and just living my life on my terms. Because nothing says Courageous than a woman who isn’t afraid to be herself, all day, everyday. And I think that’s what makes someone beautiful in the real sense of the word.
It expands through my veins And reaches each nook and cranny Of my body and soul. Hollowing me out completely, and yet Filling me up in a way, happiness never can.
They say, oh but don’t lose heart, You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. Little do they know, I am fine. This! Is my fine! This is how I am, when I am fine.
You have no idea how comforting it is To have grief reside in me, perpetually. It’s like that last long hug from a lover you know you cannot be with, And it’s time you part your ways. So, you say goodbye, with tears in your eyes, and you hold them… For a really long time, in that warm heartbreaking embrace, Trying to capture every ounce of the love you have for them. Only difference is, my grief doesn’t let go.
And so, we stay frozen in that embrace Even though life keeps moving continuously, All around us.
Thus, I am never alone. Because my grief really loves me, And I am its home.
Unknown philosopher 